Blue sky thinking

This is the idiot brother of thinking outside the box from the dysfunctional brain dump family. This phrase, meant to convey inclusive creative thinking and brainstorming, had impact the first ten million times a project lead said it during a Powerpoint presentation. There’s an ad agency I won’t name whose site headline is this:

COMPANY NAME + BLUE SKY THINKING = RESULTS

Well, I hope those results are good. Especially if you’re an ad agency and I’ve invested a weighty chunk of my marketing budget on your services. You better be thinking creatively.  If I pay for a service, shouldn’t I expect a result? Do other agencies charge extra for results? Is that what makes you unique? What the ad agency headline should say:

COMPANY NAME + CLICHE = UNORIGINAL x LAZY

Rule: Reward your site visitors/potential customers with a meaningful message. The results will be in the black ink.

Cutting edge

Unless you’re employed by a blacksmith or scissors company, stop saying this. If your technology, product, idea or blue sky thinking is so advanced, why degrade it with an overused description that won’t rent any space in your reader’s mind? Here is the opening line from a university hospital radiology website page:

We offer cutting edge technology applied to patient care based uniquely in both an academic setting and community hospital.

Zzzzzzz. Wh-wh-what? Oh, sorry. I fell asleep typing that. As a patient in your hospital, it is my hope that your technology is modern when you’re scanning my innards for something foreign. By “cutting edge technology” do you mean digital imaging? 64-slice CT scanning? I’m relieved they “apply” cutting edge technology to patient care. If they didn’t, all that expensive diagnostic equipment would monopolize the bedpan closet while the patient lies there like a breathless fish.

Rule: When you go for grand statements like cutting edge, your language comes out limp, false and flabby. Tell a detailed fact instead.

Wrap your mind around

Can you wrap your mind around why someone would use four words to say understand? Effective communicators don’t speak in pretentious imagery. If your mind is wrapped around something, I suggest you seek cutting edge medical technology applied to patients immediately.

Is there a case for these phrases? Maybe their familiarity makes some people feel like a part of something. Speaking the lingo makes them a local. Possibly. But be careful with the words employed in branding your business. The freshest voice is the memorable voice. For example, societies loves their proverbs. In the West, we say,

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

In Korea they say,

Even a fish would stay out of trouble if it kept its mouth shut.

Where there are no tigers, a wildcat is self-important.

You enjoy reading the unfamiliar more because it’s fresh and new.

Rule: Take it easy on verbose, overused expressions. They turn your branding into background noise.

Mission Critical

This is a personal peeve from working with so many U.S. defense contractors. There aren’t enough backspace buttons for this phrase. It’s said so much in this industry that it no longer has any impact. Preventing terrorist attacks at home or abroad is no joke, so stop using language with all the punch of a shadowboxer. A Homeland Security white paper reads,

DHS is comprised of many organizational elements with a single purpose: to enable, support and expedite the mission-critical objectives of DHS’ seven operating components and Directorates…

Was this message meant for humans? Here’s another sentence two paragraphs down,

S&T must work with its valued customers in the creation of ORDs that accurately reflect their mission-critical operational requirements through active participation in the requirements development initiatives.

What?

Rule: Tighten. Revise. Rewrite. It’s simple: don’t repeat words, ideas or phrases unless they add muscle to what you want to say.

There are tons more, like tee it up or take offline. Here’s the point, you’ll call your company’s marketing copy and content good when it

• Doesn’t waste words.
• Speaks authentically to humans, whether business to business or business to consumer.
• Makes the reader believe you’re an industry authority.
• Asks something of the readers.
• Rewards the reader with new ideas, understanding, inspiration, and meaning.

And on that note, I need to edit this article. It’s never going to be perfect, but a good polishing helps us fail a little better with every draft.

In any other circumstance, this would give you just cause to march into your boss’s office and ask for a compensation adjustment. The reality breakdown: for most organizations, the money isn’t there. Cash may be king, but it’s currently a king in exile. Ok, hold on. It’s not all bad news. Don’t leave and start Googling the next random thought that pops into your head. There are other things you can request in lieu of a raise.

Have you considered asking for…

• A more flexible schedule? I’m not a scientist and I don’t even play one on TV, but I bet your outlook on the workday would be rosier if you didn’t arrive with road rage. I appreciate the employers who give leeway around rush hour and so does the Department of Transportation.

• Telecommuting? Would they be willing to let you work from home a day or two a week? If you got to be around the house more often, your dog would stop mistaking you for an intruder. You could also save thousands on your kids’ therapy abandonment issues if you were able to appear on the sidelines of some of their sporting events before Junior starts growing a beard. I’m puzzled by places that don’t allow at least some telecommuting. I tend to get more work done from home because I want to show my accountability when I’m not physically in the office. I’m also more relaxed and creative. Companies don’t have to lease as much commercial space and it keeps cars off the road. Come on! Wake up! Don’t make me get all An Inconvenient Truth on you.

• An additional or earlier performance evaluation? It will get better. I promise. And when it does, have the proof on paper about what a team player you were during the “economic crisis.”

• A job title change? Remember that you want it to sound sexier than the one you have now. For instance, don’t go from “Product Marketing Manager” to “Queen of Potted Plants.” Seriously, this is one way to create the role, and possibly the salary, you want for when things right themselves. Also, if you find yourself channeling Anne Boleyn with your head on the chopping block, at least you enter the workforce with an upgraded title for your resume.

• Additional vacation days? If you’re helping keep the company fires burning on a shoestring budget and no extra hands, you’re going to need time off before they start sizing you for a rubber suit. You don’t want that. They make your butt look big and don’t breathe like other fabrics. This is about quality of life. Even an extra day to spend with friends, loved ones, or even recharging alone can make a huge difference. A survey from the Aon Loyalty Institute revealed that the top thing a company can do to inspire employee commitment is “recognize employees’ need for time off with family.” Salary increases didn’t even make the top ten.

If you find yourself in this type of situation, take a stab at some of these suggestions. I hope you have an employer that’s open to a few. Unfortunately all of my other ideas for you would result in a restraining order and a decline in global ball-gag inventory.

If you have other ideas about how to pad the non-monetary compensation in this economy, post them below.

Every day I dragged myself into the office, I was playing the role of someone who cared. They could’ve tripled my salary and the sentiment would have been the same. Melody and I both had the benefits of education and lucrative employment, but our passions weren’t stoked by corporate power or ladder-climbing.

Sometimes I’d look around the office and wonder if everyone was as “into it” as they appeared. Even my boss, who is a fantastic writer, would talk about her book ideas that were going on paper once the kids graduated college (the boys were in grammar school). Melody began practicing yoga in college and the love affair continued into her corporate years.

The turbulence of the dot com implosion brought rounds of layoffs and finally, we were let go. Sweet relief. I had guilt about it. All around me people were in panic and tears. For some, their identities were stripped away and replaced by a severance package, sense of betrayal and a one-way street of uncertainty with families to feed.

Meanwhile, I’m popping open the bubbly. “Here’s my chance,” I thought. I salivated over the possibilities. All I knew was that I never wanted anyone to determine the value of my time, or dictate the parameters of how I spend the limited moments I have in my life. I began a holistic pet food company, wiped the thick dust off my Les Paul guitar, started a band, went surfing, and began doing the kind of writing that makes a few hours feel like minutes.

Melody began a path of intense Yoga education with the end goal of becoming an instructor and having her own practice. She found another corporate job while she studied at night but the daily dissatisfaction set in. After a lot of hand-wringing and budget balancing, her feet did the voting and she took the leap. That was four years ago and abellaYoga is still doing the downward facing dog. Moreover, she writes a yoga blog with a huge global following.

Don’t get me wrong. A lot of my nights go without sleep and it’s not because I know really good pick-up lines. And, ultimately, we all answer to someone; a customer, a client, an editor, the executor of our trust funds—I wish.

I asked a few friends what their lives would be like if they knew they wouldn’t fail and finances weren’t a concern. Here’s some responses:

• Jen M., Special Education Elementary School Teacher – I’d be on stage playing solo guitar and singing.

• Vivianne C., Real Estate Agent, Coldwell Banker – Professional soccer player.

• Monica G., Researcher at National Institute of Health (NIH) - I’d be a professional musician.

• Rob L., Running Account Executive at Nike – I feel I’m lucky and living my passion, but if I could have done anything in my life for a living, I’d say professional athlete or film maker.

• Scott L., Child Advocate at Bluegrass Domestic Violence Program – I’m kind of living the dream, but game show host would be a close second and I’m being serious.

• Ashley M, Sr. Manager, Internet Services, Big Non-Profit Health System – It’s the million dollar question. I’d be in Haiti sharing skills and helping to relieve the suffering.

• Marty J., Power Dispatcher/Trader, Energy Services Company – I’d love to be a tomato farmer if it weren’t for that pesky mortgage.

• Joanne D., Stay at Home Mom - I’d love to be an interior designer but the best gift of all is being a full-time mom.

• Todd B., Director of Marketing, Big Hospital System – Learning, doing, traveling, nesting.

• Nora P., Owner, St. Elmo’s Coffee Pub - Happily, I am doing what I love but am dreaming of taking off for a year and traveling.

• Will K., Director, Product Management, Mixx.com - I would own an organic microbrewery that is sustainable and gives back to my community.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

Remember that Monster.com commercial from a couple years back? It had a bunch of little kids scampering about and each one exclaims something like:

“I want to be a yes man!”

“When I grow up, I want to be replaced on a whim!”

“When I grow up, I want to claw my way to middle management!”

The next time you’re contemplating your career in the cube and you don’t like the outlook, consider a couple things:

• Maybe you don’t feel like being a team player because you’re in the wrong sport.
• Maybe the hobby you can’t wait to get home to should make up the majority of your work day.

Or, maybe like my friend Melody of abellaYoga always reminds me, if you leap, the net will appear.

P.S. Want a shot of inspiration? Watch this short documentary, Lemonade, about how layoffs gave some people the extra push to pursue their dreams.

…ahem.

Twas the week before Christmas and all through the cubes
Everyone was on Ebay or watching this on YouTube
The interns sought direction, cramped in one space
“Get my gingerbread latte! And pick up the pace!”

Boss took the paper through the bathroom door
I knew I had 30 minutes to play Mafia Wars
The weekend prior at our annual bash
Susan from Corporate threw her career in the trash

We blamed the economy, our coffers were nil
So instead of the good stuff, we sucked down tonic and swill
She should have eaten more pigs in a blanket
because she bent over and told the CEO to “spank it.”

She was over-served and under the bar
But that’s not the most shocking part by far
Because just when you think it couldn’t get worse
a personal pleasure device fell out of her purse

Overindulgence is a bad holiday habit
That’s how she got her nickname “The Rabbit”
There was Paul from Payroll who had no inhibition
And asked the Finance Director who she blew for the position

I stood in the corner, disbelieving my ears
It was the best Christmas party I’d been to in years
All of a sudden I knew the reason
That diverse groups of people celebrate the season

Yes, Kwanzaa is cool and Hanukkah’s a hoot
But how often do you get to see your boss boot?
If it weren’t for Santa and Mary in the manger
A December of slacking would be in grave danger

Paid time off, free booze and free food
Is a mighty nice perk, but don’t ruin it, dude
Leave the dysfunction for the family festivities instead
And keep gainful employment top of mind in your head

ThinkGeek Giveaway: Prank Pack Fake Gift Boxes

It may be too late to win this prize as a prank gift for your least favorite co-workers this year, but we’re sure you can come up with an occasion sometime soon to make these boxes useful. The Prank Pack Fake Gift Boxes advertise something incredibly ridiculous on the box, but contain your real gift on the inside.

“So many occasions over the course of the year require you to give gifts to your friends and loved ones and coworkers – but how can you guarantee they will like what you give them? It’s really actually very easy. Step one is to completely disappoint and/or confuse them as soon as they unwrap your present. Then, by the time they actually get your real present, they are so relieved, they love it. If you are a little confused, it’s ok. Read on, and learn about the wonderful powers of the Prank Pack Fake Gift Boxes!”

To win this prize, tell us about the worst Christmas gift you’ve ever received, and the worst one you’ve ever given. Make sure the email address you leave with your comment is correct–it’s only visible to Envato staff, and we need it to tell you if you win. See this post for terms and conditions.

I digress. We’re nearing the birthday of the Baby Jesus so instead of baking him a cake, you’ve chosen names of co-workers (that haven’t been laid off) to spend your post-tax dollars on. Skip the candles and scented salts for your secret Santa gift this year. You need to find gifts that strike balance.

For the Boss

If you chose your boss, or a ’superior,’ you need to select something that says, “Thanks for not canning me,” yet “I can barely afford a gift because of the sweatshop salary you pay me.”

Might I suggest fake lottery tickets? Your boss’ expression will roast your chestnuts when s/he thinks they’ve hit it big.  Picture it: boss scratches off a ticket and begins envisioning yacht trips to the Mediterranean while lighting Cuban cigars with euros (because they’re stronger than the dollar). You boss begins sashaying—almost as if on air—to his/her boss’ office to give the international, one-finger sign for “I quit.” Along the way, your boss stops at specific cube farm stalls to impart snippets of truth, each unique and cold, like a white Christmas snowflake.

In an inexpensive instant, you’ve created a scene straight out of It’s a Wonderful Life. Granted, the five minutes of euphoria will result in a lifetime of regret, bankruptcy and loneliness; however, staying present is the most important gift of all.

For Cube Creep victims

We talked a while back about this cretin of the cube farm. If you selected someone constantly victimized by the slithering snoop who sidles into a cube farm stall from behind, get them the See Behind Sunglasses.

Not only will this allow the victim time to pull up an actual work-related document, or quickly close a steamy instant message window, they will also look cool. I’m talking Fonzie cool. Other benefits:

• See who’s checking you out as you walk to the copier, file a sexual harassment suit, retire at 40
• See who’s mocking you as you walk to the copier
• Make people believe you truly do have eyes in the back of your head

Your value at work will never be questioned when you give the cure for the cube creep.

For the folks in finance

Christmas is about goodwill towards men (I guess misogyny never takes a holiday) and compassion. Let’s face it, nothing says “do me” less than calculators and number-crunching. If you selected someone from accounting, consider a spirit-lifter. How about the morale boosting ‘Accounting!’ pennant?

Make them feel like people appreciate whatever it is they do in that funny-smelling corridor of the building. Bonus? The green is a glorious reminder that money does, after all, make the world go round. Who knows, you might just find a couple extra zeroes in your paycheck, especially if the recipient is really good at manipulating numbers.

Thank me later.

For the non-believer

More and more, companies are hiring people who refuse to accept that the Virgin Mary rode a sleigh from the North Pole, lead by a red-nosed reindeer, to give birth in a barn to a Jewish carpenter in Bethlehem where a morbidly obese man in red owned the biggest toy factory in the world. He called them elves, but once they unionized it was later revealed to be child labor. They toiled year-round making Playstations and iPhones. They had bad arches from painfully pointy, flat shoes and a medieval HMO.

Anyway, these co-workers exist today because of Barack Obama. Our moral fabric continues to unravel thread by thread, especially in the fly-over states and France.

If you selected the non-believer and completed sensitivity training, consider the
Politically Correct, All-Inclusive, Non-Denominational Generic Winter Holiday Countdown Calendar. Because even those who are going to burn for eternity in the fiery pits past the River Styx deserve a little ray of sunshine.

It’s guaranteed not to be offensive!

For office bathroom offenders

We’ve discussed office bathroom etiquette already so there’s no need for elaboration here. If you selected any officemate who:

• does not courtesy flush
• does not wash their hands
• talks on the phone while getting down to business
• hangs out while you’re trying to do your business…

…then get them the Talking Toilet Paper Dispenser. Before giving this generous and helpful gift, pre-record with the following messages accordingly:

Non-courtesy flusher: “Your sh*t does stink. Please flush.”

Non-hand washer: “Enjoy the swine flu immediately after you walk out of here.”

Cell phone stall caller: “Hey, person on the other end of the line! Suzy started pooping and thought to call you.”

Dilly-dallier: “Listen, those crows feet and blemishes will still be in the mirror tomorrow. If you don’t leave in five seconds we’re going to both feel awkward.”

P.S. The inflatable plastic fruitcake tastes better than a real one. Happy holidays!

ThinkGeek Giveaway: Blunt Desktop Signs

Embrace your frustration. With this set of thirty desktop signs, reminders of the daily banality you experience may actually make you smile. This feeling will feel cripplingly short-lived as a co-worker or manager comes around the corner and gives you more work to do. Introducing ThinkGeek’s Blunt Desktop Signs:

“So proclaims one of the thirty wit-ridden and heart-spoken desktop signs in this set. ThinkGeek is confident these signs will turn your frown upside down. What else do you have to look forward to during your prosaic, tedious, gratingly slow days at the office? Nada. And we understand that you are probably too emotionally sapped to muster the energy to occasionally tell your co-workers to bugger off and die in a corner. That’s why we think you’ll love these perfectly messaged signs. They’ll let your office mates know how you really feel without you even moving your lips!”

To win this prize, all you’ve got to do is tell us story about your boss. You can tell us a story that demonstrates how much of a great boss they are, or how they’re so bad that they’re known as Satan’s Little Helper. Just make it funny. I don’t enjoy reading things that aren’t funny. Make sure your email address is correct–it’s only visible to Envato staff, and we need it to tell you if you win. See this post for terms and conditions.

Before you put on your elastic eating pants and start patting pilgrims on the back, consider Abraham Lincoln. Not only did the 16th U.S. president give us the Emancipation Proclamation, a national banking system and an affinity for top hats, in 1863 he also gave us the last Thursday in November off “as a day for national thanksgiving and prayer.”

He did this as a morale booster for the Union army and health of the nation, not to glorify the fables fed to us in elementary school. Making the fourth Thursday in November a federal holiday also created one of the most wasted work weeks of the year. According to John Brown of The Chicago Tribune, it’s referred to as ‘The Lost Week’ in business circles. As in lost productivity, lost revenue and lost work. But not all is lost.

Apparently our increased level of slackerdom this week is a health indicator of the American economy. If you’re spending more time on Priceline than on your status reports today, it might mean we feel better about our personal finances. The Lost Week might end in a better Black Friday. We’ll fly to grandma’s house, overeat, over-imbibe, wake up at dawn to get the best holiday deals, revert back to our sibling rivalry roles, and dive into that classic American family dysfunction in ways we haven’t seen since Dot Com. Let’s hope all this laptop laziness means we have the cash for couples counseling after a week with the in-laws.

Thanksgiving isn’t a day off or paid holiday for everyone (me included). Moreover, it’s a day that millions more are acutely reminded of their deprivation and poverty. For many American Indians, Thanksgiving is a day of mourning; a symbol of displacement from their lands and deaths from wars and disease that came in the wake of the Pilgrims.

Most Americans think of the day after Thanksgiving as Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year and beginning of the holiday retail frenzy. It’s also National American Heritage Day, signed into law last month by President Obama as a joint House and Senate Resolution, “to honor the achievements and contributions of Native Americans to the United States.”

In all honesty, the actual Thanksgiving day doesn’t mean much to me. I’m not religious and shopping malls make me feel like my soul is decaying from the inside out. This year I moved across country when business went the way of the dinosaur  and watched my retirement and life savings hit the skids. It’s not a unique story but I learned a lot about living with little and I’m grateful for what’s left. I threw out a whole house full of clutter I carried around in cardboard boxes for 17 years. I packed the remainder into a pickup with my dog and headed 3,000 miles West. I traded my cube and commute for the ability to paddle into the Pacific Ocean everyday.

I was anchored down from accumulating the wrong kind of abundance. I definitely can’t afford the ‘things’ I could this time last Thanksgiving, but I don’t want ‘things.’ I want experiences.  I don’t want to lose focus on maintaining the freedom to put one foot in front of the other in pursuit of my passions. I’m thankful for the opportunity to even try. The Lost Week might look bleak at first but it can always be an indicator of the best to come.

Sea Monkey families are hard to support during the recession

Wanting this makes me human; having it makes me luckier than most on the Big Blue Marble. Unfortunately, the packet of money tree seeds I sent away for never arrived (although the Sea Monkeys did). As you can see from the pictured advertisement, I added water and now I have a tiny plastic castle mortgage and a family of four sea monkeys to support. This means I work for a living; sometimes at places completely the opposite of my personality and political leanings.

In these instances, how much self-expression should I suppress for job security and professional acceptance? Could Kat Von D climb a conventional corporate ladder? Am I board room material with a ring in my nose?

My tattoo runs the full length of my forearm and 98% of my clients don’t know it exists. I wear long sleeves to onsite gigs year-round. The only clients who know about my tattoo are the ones that pay for happy hour—they’re also the clients who know my work produces positive results and trust my professionalism. But what would my bank account look like if I didn’t keep it covered? Finance, healthcare and government are the majority of industries I create content for. Anything outside of Ann Taylor’s closet is considered subversive. I wonder how many of my colleagues in these industries suppress parts of their personalities for a paycheck?

—

Nicki M. worked for the Bush Administration in the Department of Homeland Security. She says, “I got my belly button pierced because I was a boring auditor and wanted to spice things up.” It’s like a tiny act of rebellion beneath our Brooks Brothers blazers. We keep the permanently placed dolphins, butterflies and names of exes safe beneath our Victoria’s Secrets.

I talked to Craig Cohen, Co-Founder, President and CEO of Waiter.com, about body art and other ‘alternative’ forms of self-expression within his company. Waiter.com is unique: a classic Silicon Valley-based start-up going strong since 1995. West Coast open-mindedness goes a long way when it comes to tattoos and piercings. However, Waiter.com is an online food ordering and delivery service from hundreds of restaurants to mostly companies and professional organizations with large group food ordering needs in six metro areas across the United States. Would you want your delivery drivers walking into Apple, a huge law firm or any other multinational corporation looking like they got off the Lollapalooza tour?

Craig says,

“As far as tattoos, our overall policy is nothing visible. Since we have long sleeve uniforms, this is typically not a problem (though we have turned away candidates with neck tattoos, that could not be easily covered).

Our sanity check with the driver employees is really this: Would my Mom be comfortable receiving a delivery from this driver? Would she think highly of our company? While our focus is primarily corporate delivery, we also do some home delivery, so it’s imperative that our customers are comfortable with our drivers entering their homes.

As far as piercings on drivers – similar to restaurants – we ask for anything very flashy (eyebrow, nose piercings) to be removed during work hours. Earrings can be worn by men or women if they appear reasonable.”

I asked Craig if his appearance policy differs from his in-house employees to his drivers. He elaborated,

“Our standards are a bit higher for our customer facing employees. For our in-office staff, we’re looking for generally acceptable casual office dress and have rarely had an issue in this area. I do recall a temp employee we had – who interviewed clean cut – but subsequently showed up to work with bright, dyed-carrot-orange spiky hair and a fresh chin piercing. Of course that was the day one of our investors chose to visit.”

When asked if, on some level, Waiter.com is less likely to bring someone on board with visible tattoos or piercings, Craig stated,

“We look at the whole package of a person. Does the candidate show up to the interview on time? Do they reek of smoke or too much perfume? Are they dressed inappropriately? Do they leave their blue tooth headset in the ear during the entire interview? I think smart candidates would tone down any piercings and cover most tattoos. If we can see them, that potentially means poor judgment, which is a critical skill. I’m always surprised at company parties (where the dress code is more relaxed) to find out which employees actually have tattoos and I never knew it.

I do think your appearance matters for growth. It is one way to show you take your work seriously. A visible piercing or a tattoo may be a distraction for your boss or co-workers – so an employee should weigh the relative importance of whether they really want to show off their “flare” at the office – or whether to save it for their personal life.”

I asked another friend, Kim Kenny, about her take on the subject. We’re a lot alike in some ways: by day we’re mild-mannered professionals; by dusk we’re inked up musicians and surfers with the potential to bring down your property value and make your mother consider your future in a convent. Kim is a human resources executive at a Bay Area pharmaceutical company and has a full leg sleeve.

Me: Has anyone senior to you at work seen your ink?

Kim: I kept it covered at first. Religiously. Then my Vice President walked in while I was meeting with an outside vendor who has an enormous and beautiful back piece. She had her shirt up and I had my skirt up and we both got caught. The only thing my very conservative VP said was, “I don’t have any tattoos to share.”

Me: I feel like we’re talking less about tattoos and more about the plot to a Cinemax movie after 11 p.m. For the sake of my straight male readers, my non-straight female readers and those in between, can you give me more specifics about your skirt being up and the other woman getting shirtless in your office? Was there guitar music incorporating a lot of wah pedal in the background?

Kim: I’m going to hang up now.

Me: I’m lonely and don’t have cable.

Kim:

Me: So, uh, ok. Were there any ramifications to your Vice President “discovering” your full leg tattoo?

Kim: At that point I said, “F*ck it.” I don’t broadcast it now – have never worn a skirt without boots or some kind of hose. But even in boots, you can see it clearly – it goes up to my knee and is about to start climbing up my thigh. My view of professionalism has never altered. My work speaks for itself. I’ve made tremendous gains in my job here and have a lot of feathers in my cap. Anyone who wants to knock me down based on my body art rather than my body of work can kiss my a**.

Me: You make me want to tryout for roller derby and rent Thelma & Louise on Netflix.

Kim: I’d rather not work at a place that would judge me like that anyway. I am charming, talented and very, very resourceful. I will find a way to make a living. That is what accepting my tattoo and requiring others to do the same has brought me. No one defines my success but me. Get on board or get the f*ck out of the way.

Me: If we were in prison I’d totally want to be in your gang and give you my cigarettes. I’d also get another tattoo.

—

Here’s what I’ve decided: until the Sea Monkeys move out and get jobs, or Oprah decides that my manuscript must be made into a movie, I’ll keep my ink discreet when it comes to life down on the cube farm.

• Remember when you were seven and your hamster suddenly stopped getting nowhere fast on his wheel? Your parents lied when they told you he went to a rodent resort and spa.
• On December 25, if a red-suited, overly-gregarious man enters your house via chimney, he is a drunk burglar. Give him the mace, not milk and cookies. It’s not a question of naughty or nice.
• Only our moms truly believe we’re special. Everyone else finds us average-to-moderately unannoying.

Now, onto the subject at hand.  It’s as uncomfortable for me as it is for you, so let’s never have to revisit this topic. Wipe palms on jeans. Deep breath. And…

The office bathroom is not a phone booth, dentist office, speakeasy, or makeup counter at the mall. It’s probably the one place where we’re truly focused on getting down to business. Please burn the following to office etiquette memory:

Personal Calls in the Stalls

A couple weeks ago we discussed tricks and tips for keeping personal and family fodder from becoming cube farm fertilizer. I didn’t think I’d have to say this, but based on feedback it looks like some of us need a reminder to take your “friends and family plan” out of the potty. Kudos for giving a new meaning to multi-tasking but no one wants to hear how annoyed you are with your mother-in-law at mid wipe. You are going to drop your cell phone in the toilet. If you’re using a hands-free device I’m unsure if that makes you more bothersome, efficient or both.

A Courtesy Flush Shows You Care

Shun what you see in air freshener commercials. There’s not enough aerosol on the earth or in the ozone to make anyone believe they’ve walked into a “rain forest breeze” or “apple cinnamon orchard.” (A side note: those automated scent sprayers in some public bathrooms— well, they tend to startle the crap out of me). We applaud your healthy colon and we already know it’s you in there because we can see your shoes. A courtesy flush goes a long way in making the world and work a better place.

Don’t Dilly Dally

This is not a joke: part of the reason I went to work for myself wasn’t so I could be my own boss. It was so I could sit on my own throne. I like my oatmeal, Clif Bars and caffeine in the morning. Digest these together and you’ve got the ingredients for a perfect storm. Everyday at the office laid me at the feet of fate when nature came knocking.

“Dear all that is holy, please let me have the ladies room to myself.”

When you gotta go, you gotta go. Did you ever experience sweet relief only to have it hijacked seconds later by someone who decides to come in, brush their teeth, floss, gargle, re-apply eye shadow, clip their fingernails, write a novel, and do long division? You’ve given them the “clue in” courtesy flush (a form of courtesy flush to reassert your presence and need for privacy). Can they not hear your thighs burning from the squat and squeeze (hovering over the toilet while straining to halt proceedings)? God forbid the automatic scented sprayer goes off and you lose your concentration.

I used to work at a dot com where every morning around ten one of my co-workers would roll The Washington Post under her arm and make a bee-line for the bathroom. At first I found it disconcerting. I didn’t need to know what her immediate future entailed. Now I understand her genius. Just as the middle finger thrust up and into your face means “I feel displeasure towards you,” my co-worker’s display of interest in current events while picking up the pace to the potty said to our department, “Leave me in peace. I prefer to take this brief biological journey alone.”

The Soap is There For a Reason

I used to have a co-worker who obsessively monitored perpetrators of the flush and fly (failure or refusal to make an effort at hygiene). The offenders instantly became the Hester Prynne’s of the marketing department. The only thing spreading faster than the news about the non-handwashers were their germs. It made working lunches distracting. Instead of brainstorming we were watching to see what they touched on the cold cut spread from the deli downstairs.

So, wash your hands because your nosy cube neighbor is listening. And also because your co-workers have better things to do on their sick days besides be sick.

Here’s an easy way to remember this advice:

Upon finding yourself near ceramic thrones
It will serve you well to get off the phone
If the room goes quiet from a gagging hush
Be kind enough to courtesy flush
If you sense someone’s straining, keep your business brief
Leave the lavatory and allow them relief
Flushing and flying is not only gross
It’ll turn your career and reputation to toast

Let’s never speak of this again. Next week we’ll return to our regularly scheduled “Life Down on the Cube Farm.”

A tuna fish sandwich every other quarter? Yes. An audible YouTube viewing of something juvenile and—more than likely — based on embarrassing bodily functions? Possibly. But, I can’t imagine being the perpetrator of anything you’re about to read. Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Cube Creeps.

1. It might taste like chicken, but it smells like !#$%

I’m half-Korean, so there’s no one that likes to chow down on the pungent pickled cabbage delicacy called kimchi more than me. One sniff has me drooling like Pavlov’s pup; however, some of my Caucasian family members and friends have compared its unique aroma to:

• cadaver foot fungus
• Amy Winehouse’s dirty laundry; and
• limburger cheese in a hot dumpster of boiling green tripe

Subtle as those parallels are, I still made the effort not to offend anyone’s olfactory senses with anything too odoriferous in the shared work area. Yes, you should be able to enjoy your culture’s cuisine in a diverse and open-minded work environment, but be reasonable and respectful. That leads to…

You know that saying, “If it smells like fish, eat it”? Well, make this note to self in your Crackberry: If it smells like fish, eat it… at home. In fact, post that on your group’s SharePoint site. I once worked at a large financial institution in Washington, D.C., that offered Fish Fry Friday (F.F.F.) every week at their in-house cafeteria. A co-worker of mine, we’ll call him Charlie Tuna, lived for F.F.F.

Monday through Thursday, Charlie Tuna managed to ingest his innocuous lunches in the confines of his own cube, but on F.F.F. he ate in the empty cube next to me— one whole cube lane over from Charlie Tuna headquarters. Now, you know how cleaning crews will sometimes overlook the puny plastic trashcans tucked away in empty cubes? There were times on Monday mornings that I wasn’t even logged in to my Facebook account before the ghost of F.F.F. was wafting over my cube wall after a weekend of fermenting. The bottom line is if it has fins, fuhgeddaboutit.

You may also be walking a fine, funky line with egg salad, some curries, burning popcorn in the community kitchenette, and a garlic-onion-bleu cheese-anchovy melt with a side of gym socks.

2. Why does the whole department know that your cousin’s mailman is cheating on his wife with a former Bulgarian goat herder named Bogdana?

Even if Big Brother isn’t listening, everyone within earshot is. Seriously. See all those people loitering in front of your building? They’re not smoking. They’re taking personal calls on company time into the 21^st century. The cell phone eliminates the need for anyone to offer him- or herself up for office gossip fodder or exposing people to TMI (too much information). Nobody wants to know about your oozing rash. I promise.

• But what if I have to walk past my boss’ office to get out the door? Instant message.

• What if IM is blocked by the company firewall? Try Koolim.

• Koolim.com isn’t working! Text.

• What if I don’t get a cell signal in our building? Carrier pigeon.

Nobody wants to hear it, unless it’s really juicy and makes us feel better about ourselves. My former boss’ executive assistant was an unparalleled multi-tasker. She typed diligently at her desktop while recapping the weekend and planning the upcoming one on the phone with someone we assumed had either the same skill or was unemployed. This would go on for hours. She would respond affirmatively to this mysterious person with a long, drawled, “Eggggzzzzzzactly.” It was a cube farm verbal virus. Like the word like. Pretty soon the whole communications department was speaking in slow motion.

“Hey, Mike, can I expect comments on that press release from you by C.O.B.?”

Mike: “Eggggzzzzzzactly.”

“Do you eat lunch on Fish Fry Fridays down the hall because it’s so putrid?”

Charlie Tuna: “Eggggzzzzzzactly.”

Moreover, when you say ‘speakerphone,’ I say ‘headset.’ Speakerphone! Headset. Speakerphone! Headset. Keep that conference call all to yourself and save the recap for filler in the next staff meeting.

3. Put points one and two together and that gets us to number three in the cube etiquette count:

If you can see I’m eating or on an actual work-related call, why are you still standing at my imaginary cube door?

When sidling into a co-worker’s space, do a quick sweep of the situation. Does said co-worker have:

• Yummy smelling food in mouth? Back away and let them eat in peace.
• Headset or phone receiver engaged to ear? Back away quietly and come back when the conversation is over.

If you find yourself in the presence of a co-worker, their food and/or phone conversation, yet you still utter something like “I hate to bother you, but…” you might be a Cube Creep. Here’s the good news: the condition is reversible and we’re not going to put you on any public registry.

The only people you’re allowed to interrupt while they’re eating or on the phone are maybe A-List celebrities, excluding Sean Penn.

While you’re at it, avert the eyes. Staring at someone’s screen, or even worse, inbox is an invasion of privacy. If you find yourself a victim of the Cube Creep, who tends to slither up behind you, attach a small mirror to your monitor so you can see them coming. This allows you to quickly close down that questionable site and change the tone of your personal call to sound work-related.

In our next installment from Down on the Cube Farm, we’re going to talk about co-workers who appoint themselves the office DJ with their blaring iTunes playlists; peddling of offspring’s school fundraiser knickknacks; the ultimate Petri dish: office kitchen refrigerator; and more.  Every hen house has a story. Let’s hear some tales from life down on your cube farm!